Maybe I don't deserve this
by meryg
Summary: One-shot. Upzek. This will be posted on Archive of our own too. Adam's pov. (All the characters belong to Dick Wolf and NBC)


Sometimes Adam needs to remind himself that she's real.

It usually hits him once a day, or maybe twice. He could be doing something simple, like cooking dinner or getting them a couple of beers to leave the hard day of work in the unit behind, maybe a disagreement with Voight or a particular bad case, and suddenly, it's there. He's looking at her as she plays with her phone and he has force himself to remember that she's with him.

A couple of times she has looked up from her phone or she is coming back from the bathroom and she finds him looking at her like that.

 _(Like she's the thing holding him together)_

And he knows this is overwhelming for her because it's overwhelming for him too.

They have not been together for more than a few months and she's slowly, day by day, becoming more and more important to him.

One time she looked away, focusing on some other task, like trying to let the moment go.

But tonight, she smiles at him, shrugging her shoulders. – What? – she asks through her perfect teeth.

He smiles at her as well, choosing to let this one go. She's probably not ready for it, and it doesn't matter that he is. He will wait for her, as long as he needs to.

-You want Chinese? – he asks walking up to her to pass her a beer. He then takes a seat next to her in the couch, opening his bottle to have a sip. He squeezes her leg with his other hand.

She nods once, slowly. – Sure. –

And the moment is gone.

* * *

The place Adam is trying to rent is big. And as he told Hailey, it's bigger than any house he's ever lived in.

But he likes it. It's not only that it's located in a pretty good neighborhood or that it has an amazing bedroom overlooking the front.

The first time he walked into the house, he felt it was a place where someone could make memories.

(That someone being him)

And he wasn't lying or playing when he suggested that someday, he and Hailey should split the rent. He was being honest, trying to get a positive response from her.

But he should have known better. She isn't ready yet, and she is not in that place either.

He sometimes forgets that the reason that they slept together for the first time, that the first time she was in his arms, it was because she had believed Halstead was dead.

The bond between Hailey and Jay is not something he overlooks. But he tries to believe that it's due to their partnership, to their friendship, and not due to romantic feelings between them.

But still. She is not ready to take more steps with him.

-Should I draw the papers then? – the real state employee asks him and her smile is warm and nice. – Did your girlfriend like it? –

Adam looks around the kitchen one more time, trying to suppress his imagination from going too far.

-Yeah. She liked it. Let's do it. – he finally says.

Maybe she'll come around.

* * *

-What the hell were you thinking? – Hailey asks him as he enters the locker room, which is empty except for them.

Adam usually likes the attention she gives him, since she is usually too focused on the job to notice him, but he does not need this right now.

He already has to deal with questions from Voight and Antonio to have her give him shit too.

-Don't start with me, Hailey. – he warns her as he opens his locker's door.

She is too quick for him, closing the door, invading his personal space.

-You better answer me, Adam. – she demands from him again, with her blue eyes focused on his face.

He keeps his temper under control without slamming anything or yelling at her. Lately, that's becoming natural to him. As if she had a sort of calming effect on him, even when she is being infuriating.

-He shoved you against a wall for no reason than being a prick. What was I supposed to do? Let him treat you like crap? He's a damn drug dealer, Hailey. – he says taking a couple of steps back to face her with a little distance. –

-I don't need you protecting me, I can take care of myself. – she says without changing her expression. Her eyes are a dark blue tonight. – And if I can't, I have Jay as well. He's got my back. – her tone leaves no room for a negative response, and it takes him by surprise.

She is putting him in his place.

Adam looks down for a moment, processing her words.

-Alright. – he could answer back with a petty comment, like saying he would do that for Kim too, but his ex has nothing to do with this. And he's better than that.

At least he believes he is.

He turns around to open his locker door and take out his bag. He can feel her eyes on him, but she doesn't add anything and it takes him less than a few seconds to leave the room.

He doesn't see her that night.

* * *

-Kate come on! – Adam says over the phone. His sister is not answering again and he's stuck at the hospital with his dad. His car is in the shop and he doesn't want to take him home in a cab.

Bob Ruzek had a domestic accident and he has a few bruises along his body and a cast on his shoulder. He's fine but he needs rest. And Adam needs to get to work.

His sister finally answers the phone and she can take care of their dad for the day, and yes, he can stay at her house, but no, she cannot pick them up. Sammy, his nephew, has a minor fever and she can't leave the house.

Adam takes a deep breath, trying to collect his thoughts.

He finally dials Kevin's number. His partner will help him.

-Oh, man. I'm about to go help Jay with a CI. -Atwater says over the phone. He's at the station and Adam hears more voices on the background. – Nah, it's Adam. His dad had an accident and they need a ride from the hospital. Adam's car is in the shop. – Kevin explains to someone else and Ruzek waits in silence on the other side. Maybe Antonio can help.

-Bro, listen. Hailey will pick you up. She's leaving the station either way, so she'll give you guys a ride. – Kevin says and Adam can't speak fast enough.

-No, Kev. It's alright. We can take a cab. Don't worry. -he says quickly, almost tripping on his words.

-She already left man. – Kevin says and Adam can almost hear him shrugging his shoulders. – Don't be rare about it, ok? I'll call you later to check on old Bob. – Kevin says before hanging up.

Adam agrees, but he considers calling her to cancel the whole thing.

He didn't want her here after their last talk. But he has no choice now.

So, he waits at the entrance with his dad on a wheelchair. He waits for the most awkward ride ever.

* * *

They drop off Bob at Kate's and after making sure father and daughter are well, he steps out of the house. He has to take a cab to get to work, but Hailey is waiting for him inside her car.

-What are you still doing here? – he asks as he approaches her, standing near her window.

-I'll give you a ride to work. – she says shrugging her shoulders. – Get in. – she starts the car and he doesn't think he has a choice.

So, Adam gets on the passenger's side, pulling out his phone to text Voight, letting him know he's on his way to the precinct.

-What happened to your dad? – she asks as she drives.

-He fell of a ladder trying to fix the roof. – Adam says, almost on automatic pilot.

-You could have called me. – Hailey tells him, looking at him from the side. – I would have helped. –

-Really? – he asks, and both of them don't miss the bitterness on his tone, which he immediately regrets. – Sorry. That was uncalled for. – he quickly apologizes, shaking his head and putting his phone away. – I know. I just didn't want to bother you with this. –

(Who is this man and what has he done with Adam Ruzek? He usually never bothers to think what his actions would do to the women he's dating, except for Kim at some point.)

But he's not the same immature guy from a couple of years back.

Maybe all it took was some pretty big losses in his life, like Al, a job that was going somewhere, a family.

 _And the right woman at his side._

-I would have helped. – she says one more time, and silence falls over them.

None of them break it.

* * *

It's late at night. He moved in to his new place a couple of days ago and it's a mess of boxes and bags everywhere.

Not that Adam owns a lot of stuff, but he had to get everything from his old apartment to the new house.

He's drinking a beer as he tries to get the new TV working, wearing only a pair of sweats and a shirt, barefoot.

The doorbell surprises him, but he thinks it might be his neighbor from across the street, who stopped by earlier to meet "the handsome young man" who had moved in.

He opens the door and he doesn't want to get his hopes up at the sight of her.

Hailey's standing on his doorway with a bag on her shoulder and a playing smile on her face.

She passes him the bag, holding a toothbrush on her hand.

(Adam's pretty sure his face will break from smiling so much)

-Hey. – he says as he reaches out to grab her free hand.

-Hey. – she says squeezing it.

He pulls her to his arms, and her laugh fills his senses.

 _Maybe she's not ready for forever yet, but it's a step in the right direction he believes._

She is there.


End file.
